dreams are dreams not reality so wake up before you get too lost, my dear

i have a dream. a dream that i can see in the day.
i dreamt that just for a day, a span of 24 hours, that things would be about me for once.
all about me.

(sounds selfish? but hey this is my dream, go get your own)

from the deepest corner of my heart, that in the special day, people would notice me and the things i do for them.
that people will do my favorite activities and let me have things my way.
that they would be nice to me whether i smile to them or not
most people only love you because of the beneficial things you do for them
so in a way, they're selfish too.

and me, being selfish now, somehow wishes that for once someone would just give and fill me up because i'm getting all tried out from giving and giving. some people just take too much and then they forget to give back.
how long can one keep loving if one doesn't feel loved? my love bank has been withdrawing withdrawing withdrawing.. that it seems like i'm in debt now because my love units are going on to the negative.

but then again i can't forget the people that i really appreciate. that no matter i weary i become from giving, i know that they will expect nothing in exchange for some love that they give. so in a way, i get filled up again.
then i go and the withdrawing continues...
and it seems like the withdrawing outnumbers the deposits.

i know i shouldn't rely too much on humans for love. that i should go direct to the Source.
i know.
now to do it.

i'm trying, really trying. though you can't see it. and then you think i haven't been doing my best when the truth is that i've tried so hard that i might just be bruised all over and am hoarse from all the screaming. maybe that's why i'm so tired most of the time. because i'm constantly fighting this battle and it's like i'm losing but i'm learning how to win with the Saviour on my side. still, it's tiring. but some might see it as an excuse.
maybe i shouldn't really care because what matters is that You see it. but i just can't help get affected by what others think about me. esp when it's the wrong thing.

but it's true what R said, when the battles keep on coming, it's when you get really desperate and you call out and reach out more than you've ever had before, because that's when you know you really need Him.